The Second Circle

On wanting freely, and the conditions that make it possible.

I am in a season of lists.

To keep my own life together. To tend to the lives of others. The list is too long. It needs to be trimmed. Except, I am paralyzed by the task of editing it down.

What matters? What do I want? How do I know what I want?

I did an exercise during therapy recently that left me frustrated and confused. I was asked to make a circle on a piece of paper and to use different colors to illustrate my inner emotional landscape inside. I managed to complete the assignment by creating a pie chart. Then, I was asked to draw another circle, to use the same colors, and draw what I wanted my inner landscape to be (no pie chart this time).

I froze. My mind went blank. I hated this exercise suddenly. It felt excruciating. I felt exposed, unable to draw anything. How do I do this right? What is the point if I don’t know what I’m doing?

This is one of many examples of when tarot is helpful to me. I need something to react to. A card. A picture. Its many meanings. And of course, a Substack article had just landed in my inbox about the wands suit (Dialogic Tarot, Rita Rottelbac):

“Most people believe they are stuck in life. They are not. They are simply undecided. This is where everything changes. All you need to do is answer only one short question: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

The 2 of Wands reveals a difficult truth at the root of manifestation: it does not begin with external change, and it does not begin with certainty. It begins with a decision that precedes confirmation. A direction is chosen before reality has had any opportunity to validate it.” - Dialogic Tarot

The article included a tarot spread and I, of course, obliged:

Later that day, an idea dropped, fully formed, in my mind. Before thinking much about it, I sent a message to two artists friends describing the idea—a way our work could be integrated in a space.

I’m sharing just to share—no expectations, I wrote. And I really meant it. Their work had inspired me. I felt connected and wanted to pass that on, not necessarily to materialize the idea but to share it with other human beings without over-thinking or contorting the idea to be anything other than what it was.

I crave more of this: “…a mode of consciousness where reality is not interpreted and analyzed, but oriented and IMAGINED.” - Rita (again)

When I don’t know what I want right away or how to describe it, I have tools.

• The inspiration I can tap into through other artists—those gone and still here.

• The magic of ritual and esoteric knowledge—tarot, the moon, spell work…

• Connecting with something greater than myself—I might be afraid to do something but its a lot easier when I think of how it connects to the collective.

This is how I draw my second circle, the one that is filled with limitless potential.

I’m still learning the conditions under which I can want freely. There isn’t one way there. But part of it is knowing I’m not alone, I can be patient, and eventually I’ll bump into something or someone who illuminates that knowing.

xo, Corinne

P.S. My paid Substack subscribers get a handwritten note with a film print + tarot card pull in their mailbox each month.

P.P.S. Let’s tap into the tarot together.

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