41 years + 3 years

Today marks my 41st birthday and 3rd soberversary (and summer solstice, of course!).

Themes on the menu for year 41 so far: reclamation, letting go, and trusting the mystery.

In a few days, I leave for a family camp in the northern woods of Wisconsin along with my husband and our three kids. I visited Camp Nawakwa with my extended family from the time I was seven until I was nineteen years old. I would board a plane in Rochester, NY (all by myself!) and fly to the Midwest.

Camp was one of the most precious parts of my formative years. I can still feel the dirt path along the lake beneath my bare feet. I can feel the peace of canoe rides and star gazing. I can remember sweet friendships that were held together each year through handwritten letters and photo albums.

It’s been 22 years since I’ve been back. I skipped my early twenties and then became estranged from the family that connected me to camp. I grieved the loss of camp and I’ve never lost my desire to return. Although I’ve dreamed my way there on countless nights over the past two decades.

This time around, I’m returning as a wife and a mother. I’m holding space for my family’s experiences as well as my own. On a personal level, this trip embodies the themes of this 41st year: reclamation, letting go, and trusting the mystery.

• I’m reclaiming this place for myself because I am worthy of being there. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I deserve the experience (whatever it may hold!).

• I’m (working on) letting go of stories I’ve been telling myself throughout my life. Stories that tell me to stay small, keep quiet, and toe the line. Instead, I’m choosing to listen to my heart and my gut.

• I’m trusting the mystery. This week has reminded me in small ways to release control. I had a stomach bug yesterday, which threw off my well-laid birthday plans today. In turn, my well-laid plans to pack and shop for camp have also been thrown off. Not to mention all the what-ifs, expectations, and fears I could have about returning to a place filled with memories. The message is clear: trust, go with the flow…

Today and yesterday, I pulled the same card from Kim Kran’s Alchemy Deck:

LVI: CONTRA NATURUM / AGAINST NATURE: WILLFULNESS, TO FORCE OR CONTROL

On some level, we all know when we are going against nature. We recognize it in feelings of impatience and agitation that arise when trying to force certain outcomes. The Contra Naturum card arrives to remind the Alchemist they cannot control the uncontrollable. Nature has its way, enveloping us in a wild narrative that we can collaborate in but not dictate. No matter our efforts to manage every aspect of our lives, the mess ensues. spring is soggy. The lotus requires mud. People do what they do. This card heeds a warning not to fight the flow of Mother Nature, or of destiny. Once we loosen the grip of what we think life should look like, a whole new realm of possibility awakens. Now is the time to be radically open to what nature has in store for you.

Camp 2023 is going to be different from Camp 2001.

I won’t be returning with my extended family for starters. But I will be returning with more than I ever could have imagined at 19 years old. I hope to create something new and sacred whether this is the beginning of a new tradition or a stop along the way. At the end of the day, I’ll do my best to hold my intentions close and allow, allow, allow this to unfold.

xo, Corinne

If you are a paid Substack subscriber, you’ll receive a seasonal photo zine or a printed 5 x 7 photo every month via snail mail.

P.S. To check out the Ray of Light community or the Focus Circle sessions (online offerings), go here.

P.P.S. To check out my photography prints, go here.